Find her
Follow her
Friend her
Flirt her
French her
Finger her
Force her
Fuck her
Forget her
FIND NEXT ....
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Perfect Woman
The perfect woman
Doesn’t fart
Like a trumpet sounding
But rather it is released
Like she’s gently sighing
The perfect woman
Doesn’t belch
Out the word Bulawayo
But rather releases it
Behind her hand delicately
The perfect woman
Doesn’t sweat
Or anything like as vulgar
If they overheat
The darlings just perspire
The perfect woman
Doesn’t swear
Only shit and maybe bloody
If they stub their toe
Its sod it or even buggeration
The perfect woman
Doesn’t exist
They fart and blame the cat
They belch and blame the food
They sweat and blame the change
They swear and blame the man
Doesn’t fart
Like a trumpet sounding
But rather it is released
Like she’s gently sighing
The perfect woman
Doesn’t belch
Out the word Bulawayo
But rather releases it
Behind her hand delicately
The perfect woman
Doesn’t sweat
Or anything like as vulgar
If they overheat
The darlings just perspire
The perfect woman
Doesn’t swear
Only shit and maybe bloody
If they stub their toe
Its sod it or even buggeration
The perfect woman
Doesn’t exist
They fart and blame the cat
They belch and blame the food
They sweat and blame the change
They swear and blame the man
Saturday, February 28, 2009
其实还爱你
冷得那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞
昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由
每一夜闭上眼睛
我看到了恶梦
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我
天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱
也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
你给了他的吻
虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞
昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由
每一夜闭上眼睛
我看到了恶梦
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我
天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱
也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
你给了他的吻
虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心
我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你
忘不掉的伤
滑落在你眼前的流星是我的泪滴
是你要的爱过的证据
选择我以后你是否觉得委屈
是我对你不够好还是原本就是游戏
其实你再爱不爱我都不再最要紧
从今以后不再为谁伤心
酒醉已清醒你已远去
看着爱情的浪漫在流着的水中倒影
以后那么多的悲伤那么多的凄凉
只有我一个人抵挡
再也没有方向也没有幻想
我思守到地老天荒
但愿忘记那忧伤忘记这迷惘
忘记硐碌脑竿?br>可是谁又了解事过境迁
我忘不掉曾爱的你
永恒的伤........
忘不掉忘不掉的你..........
其实你再爱不爱我都不再最要紧
从今以后不再为谁伤心
酒醉已清醒你已远去
看着爱情的浪漫在流着的水中倒影
以后那么多的悲伤那么多的凄凉
只有我一个人抵挡
再也没有方向也没有幻想
我思守到地老天荒
但愿忘记那忧伤忘记这迷惘
忘记曾许下的愿望
可是谁又了解事过境迁
我忘不掉曾爱的你
永恒的伤........
是你要的爱过的证据
选择我以后你是否觉得委屈
是我对你不够好还是原本就是游戏
其实你再爱不爱我都不再最要紧
从今以后不再为谁伤心
酒醉已清醒你已远去
看着爱情的浪漫在流着的水中倒影
以后那么多的悲伤那么多的凄凉
只有我一个人抵挡
再也没有方向也没有幻想
我思守到地老天荒
但愿忘记那忧伤忘记这迷惘
忘记硐碌脑竿?br>可是谁又了解事过境迁
我忘不掉曾爱的你
永恒的伤........
忘不掉忘不掉的你..........
其实你再爱不爱我都不再最要紧
从今以后不再为谁伤心
酒醉已清醒你已远去
看着爱情的浪漫在流着的水中倒影
以后那么多的悲伤那么多的凄凉
只有我一个人抵挡
再也没有方向也没有幻想
我思守到地老天荒
但愿忘记那忧伤忘记这迷惘
忘记曾许下的愿望
可是谁又了解事过境迁
我忘不掉曾爱的你
永恒的伤........
愛我還是他
黑暗中的我们都没有说话
你只想回家不想你回家
寂寞深的像海太让人害怕
温柔你的手轻轻揉着我的发
你的眉眼说你好渴望我拥抱
你身体却在拼命逃当欲望在燃烧
你爱我还是他是不是真的他有比我好你为谁在挣扎
你爱我还是他就说出你想说的真心话你到底要跟我还是他
爱~爱~爱~爱~
这是不是命运对我的惩罚
爱你也没办法恨你也没办法
陷在这个旋涡只想挣脱它
拉住你的手却让我也被拖下
你的眉眼说你不渴望我拥抱
每当爱变成了煎熬你就开始要逃
你爱我还是他是不是我可以做的更好让你不再挣扎
你爱我还是他我宁愿听到残忍的回答也不要再被甩
你爱我还是他我为你找了一百个理由我就是那么傻
你爱我还是他是否沉默代替你的回答我应该明白吧
你爱我还是他你都已看不到我们的好我还为谁牵挂
你爱我还是他是否沉默就是你的回答我们都别挣扎
去爱他
你只想回家不想你回家
寂寞深的像海太让人害怕
温柔你的手轻轻揉着我的发
你的眉眼说你好渴望我拥抱
你身体却在拼命逃当欲望在燃烧
你爱我还是他是不是真的他有比我好你为谁在挣扎
你爱我还是他就说出你想说的真心话你到底要跟我还是他
爱~爱~爱~爱~
这是不是命运对我的惩罚
爱你也没办法恨你也没办法
陷在这个旋涡只想挣脱它
拉住你的手却让我也被拖下
你的眉眼说你不渴望我拥抱
每当爱变成了煎熬你就开始要逃
你爱我还是他是不是我可以做的更好让你不再挣扎
你爱我还是他我宁愿听到残忍的回答也不要再被甩
你爱我还是他我为你找了一百个理由我就是那么傻
你爱我还是他是否沉默代替你的回答我应该明白吧
你爱我还是他你都已看不到我们的好我还为谁牵挂
你爱我还是他是否沉默就是你的回答我们都别挣扎
去爱他
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